ALERT TO TRAVELERS: HANDLE YOUR MONKEY LIKE WE SAY, OR ELSE
The Transportation Security Administration (TSA), the same folks who make your life a living hell when you attempt to board a flight to grandmother's house, have now thoughtfully supplied regulations detailing how TSA storm troopers should weed out your terrorist monkeys from your friendlies:
Presumably, violation of any of these regulations will be punished immediately by tasering. Of your monkey or your monkey's handler, not the TSO.
- When a monkey is being transported in a carrier, the monkey must be removed from the carrier by the handler prior to screening,
- The monkey must be controlled by the handler throughout the screening process.
- The monkey handler should carry the monkey through the WTMD while the monkey remains on a leash.
- When the handler and monkey go through the WTMD and the WTMD alarms, both the handler and the monkey must undergo additional screening.
- Since monkeys may likely draw attention, the handler will be escorted to the physical inspection area where a table is available for the monkey to sit on. Only the handler will touch or interact with the monkey.
- TSOs have been trained to not touch the monkey during the screening process.
- TSOs will conduct a visual inspection on the monkey and will coach the handler on how to hold the monkey during the visual inspection.
- The inspection process may require that the handler take off the monkey’s diaper as part of the visual inspection.
One remaining question: Which hand should you use to handle your monkey?